Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
