theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
