I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
