Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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