i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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