You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
