New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
