he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
