Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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