peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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