I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
