my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
