just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
