meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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