At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
