Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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