The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he thought i was a dude.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
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I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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