foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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