i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
