So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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