roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
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I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
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Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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