So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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