Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
