Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I stole a fireplace last night.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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