I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
