Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
