It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
