How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Are we still banned from the library?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
