So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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