Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
