Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
