Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
