when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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