I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
