I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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