i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Randomize
