I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
