A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
