They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
