I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
