I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
