you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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