my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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