He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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