I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
