I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
