rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
