Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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