If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
