I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He passed out mid-signature
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
