fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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