Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
This house was built for laser tag.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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