Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
