I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
