I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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