Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
