1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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