How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Randomize
