Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He did a backflip because drugs
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