my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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