I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
