In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
